Lonesome Day

It's Friday morning, the moon hangs bright in the sky, and I have finished my first three sips of coffee.  It's Friday morning on an "every other Friday" weekend which means that I am facing the weekend without the kids.  What's worse, the holiday is my ex's holiday, so I am facing the entire week without them.

It is Friday morning, the moon hangs bright in the sky, and lends it self to a presentiment of loneliness, one that has grown familiar enough; one that bears heavy on my shoulders; one that is not satisfied by the companionship of friends alone.

My sister and brother-in-law will be in town for the week, sharing the holiday with me.  Together, we will laugh and cook and catch up.  But lacking will be the joy we get from sharing my children; lacking will be the fourth hand in our game of Euchre; lacking will be the wholeness of family and marriage and, I know I'll get flack for saying this, but health.  Health that comes from a solid marriage.

And every time I think about it, I get angry with my ex.  Every time I face the holidays, knowing that I could use spousal support to get beyond the grief built by the vacancies, I get angry with him.  I think about how he got off so easy.  And I envision him saying, "Phew, glad I got out before her brother died.  Phew, glad I got out before her dad died. Phew, glad that deep stuff hasn't swallowed me yet."  And it's aggravating, despite knowing that even if he was here, I'd be swimming it alone.

I don't know.  It's a lonely weekend already and I'm only an hour into it.

This will not go away - ever.  It won't go away because it's already there, out there and despite the same moon being in the same world in which we live, there are many different views.

So I'll spend the weekend cleaning the house and doing work.  I'll spend the weekend grocery shopping and feeling blue.  And come next week, after my sister arrives, I'll pull out the deck of cards and see the vacancy across from me as we play Crazy Jacks instead of Euchre; and at Thanksgiving, I'll cry.

Come next Friday morning though, my heels will be high kicking and my heart will soar.  The moon will hang high in the sky and I'll see it differently, yet again.

What is fitting is the song that is playing over and over in my mind, and once again, I must thank my dear best friend Bruce...

Once I thought I knew
Everything I needed to know about you
Your sweet whisper, Your tender touch
But I didn't really know that much
Joke's on me, It's gonna be okay
If I can just get through this lonesome day


Hell's brewin' dark sun's on the rise
This storm'll blow through by and by
House is on fire, Viper's in the grass
A little revenge and this too shall pass
This too shall pass, I'm gonna pray


Right now all I got's this lonesome day

It's allright. It's allright. It's allright


Better ask questions before you shoot
Deceit and betrayals bitter fruit
It's hard to swallow, come time to pay
That taste on your tongue don't easily slip away


Let kingdom come I'm gonna find my way
Through this lonesome day