Laughter, The Shape of a Heart and Sleep

I had the pleasure of experiencing my very first, overnight, business trip this week.  It was just for one night, and I drove down to Richmond, VA with one of my goofy coworkers.  It was a three hour trip, and it took us four hours - - - not because of traffic, but because we kept getting sidetracked by our laughter, and so, we missed our exits.  Here's one of the many stories she told me:

"So, I'm in line at the airport.  My shoes are off, I'm waiting to go through the security gate.  I begin stuffing my belongings into this tiny purse --- papers are sticking out of the zipper, the handle of a hairbrush is protruding, and the zipper has a bulging gap because I can barely close the purse.   Just as the purse takes its ride under the camera, I look at the security guy and say, "Watch out, my purse is about to explode."  All at once, two armed security guards come running up to the table, they take me into a separate room, and they confiscate my purse, dumping the belongings into a secure bucket.  The whole time, I'm saying, "No, I was just being funny because I stuffed it so much, really, there's not a bomb in it!"  As I say this, everyone gets more tense, I'm pushed against a wall. . ."

I was crying with laughter as she told the story. . .

So we get to our satellite office, and I greet and see the people that I've been talking to over the phone for months.  Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone who looks completely different from how you envisioned them?  Yeah, that was my experience for every single one of them.  I watched their faces as their jaws dropped when they saw me for the first time, just as my jaw dropped when I saw them for the first time.  Just a weird experience.

The trip was a success.  Workwise, it went really well.  I got to meet people that I'll be working with for at least the next three years, and we hit it off well, I think.

Yet it was an even greater success because I can honestly tell you, it was the first time in 8 years that I've had a good night's sleep.  I walked into the hotel and was greeted by a king size bed.  I looked around the room:  no dogs, no kids.  I made myself lay in the center of that bed, I picked up my book, read four sentences and then was out.  The next morning I woke up so very refreshed.  I actually smiled as I stretched my arms.  A full night's sleep without any interruption.

Why is this so special?  Because last night, Gracie and the little bastard Enzo took the shape of a heart on my bed.  Their asses were side-by-side, and their noses pretty much touched.  They looked so cute in that heart shape. 

Can you see it?

Now envision this:  I am on the left side of a queen bed, my head resting gently on the pillow.  Oh, it's so very nice.  I turn to face the right side of the room and I am greeted by the kissing asses of my two 80 lb. dogs.  The entire night I yelled at them to move (they usually sleep at the end of the bed or on the floor), and every time I yelled at them, they nudged their asses closer together, and then growled at each other, or worse, nipped at each other.

This happened all night long.

Next week, I have another overnight trip to Richmond.  I will not have my coworker with me, but I'll have music and memories to keep me company on the ride.  And you know what I've scheduled onto my agenda? 

A full night's sleep.

"Watch out, my purse is about to explode. . ."  Now, that's funny stuff right there.

Happy New Year

There are parts of me excited to be embarking on a New Year, and there are parts of me dreading it.  There are parts of me wondering about the future; and there are parts of me dreading it. 

Ah... life.

I've realized that I didn't spend enough time with my dad.  Our relationship was cut short, and I need him. 

Every day, I need him. 

I am fortunate to see the tidbits - the quick snapshots of memories - and I realize that he is still here.  Still teaching me.

And ah.. .  life.

I wrote my list of resolutions today.  They are so very different from the lists of the past (i.e. lose weight, be nicer, make more money, find a nice man to date, etc., etc., etc.).

My house is nice.  Enough.
My body is nice.  Enough.
My job is nice.  Enough.

Everything is nice enough. 

I have everything I need.  I have EVERYTHING I need.

"What you don't have, you don't need it now.  Don't need it NOW."  (A line from a U2 song, indeed).

So, I crumpled up my list of resolutions, and made a new list:  What will make this upcoming year - a year of unknowns - better for Carrie?

1.  A boyfriend with abs like Rocky and a face like Josh Duhamel
2.  A bank account like Donald Trump's
3.  A house like Kim Kardashian's
4.  A body like Jennifer Aniston's
5. A best-selling novel like, ah, who gives a crap?  Like any best-selling novel. . .

I'm just kiddin'!

My list has nothing to do with any of the above, although I'd like all that.  But, man, I have everything I need.

I have a great family.
I have love, love, love surrounding me on a daily basis.
My kids are AMAZING.
My job is satisfying.

I guess my New Year's Resolution is to be grateful for what I do have.

Grateful.
Grateful.
Grateful.

The dread is gone.  I can only be grateful...

and maybe a little inspired to find Josh Duhamel. . .

Merry Christmas, Brother.

As with every day, you are missed.   On this Christmas Day, things are no different.  May you look down on us as you break bread with Dad, Aunt Carolyn, Uncle Jim, Stella, our Grandparents, Uncle Herb, Uncle Mickey and Aunt Beverly, to name a few, and enjoy our laughter, our love of food, and our love of each other.  May you hold each tear we cry for all of you, and know that we are celebrating having been able to love you down here.  I love you.  And miss you.

Every day.

It's All Good

The thought of being without the kids for Christmas got to me today, and because of work and the dogs, I can't hop on a flight and spend the weekend with my Buffalo family. . .

The thoughts loop.  They loop around and around. . .

I'm okay.  I am.  I have emotional stability.  I now get along with my ex, the Christmas expectations for the kids are set, my family knows why I can't make it up there - - why I won't make it up there (sometimes being in MD is a great excuse to avoid the pain of what Christmas no longer is) and how not having a Christmas dinner planned with anyone is okay because I am okay with myself, and I could use the nap, and me and Gracie and Enzo could use the alone time, and I have places to go because I can invite myself over to my neighbors, or my best friend's or one of my MD relatives. 

I can spend the day with Bruce, with a good book, with Bruce, with all the Christmas presents I bought myself. . .

I'll be fine.

Loop.

I'm okay.  I am.  I have emotional stability. . .

I spent the day at the mall today.  After giving the thumbs up and a smile to the woman who pulled out of the Sears parking lot at the mall, I was all good.  I didn't have an agenda of gifts to buy, but I had a head full of people I wanted to buy for. . . my sister, my sister-in-laws, my nieces, my nephews, my mom . . . 

And I realized as I walked through the mall, that their gift to me was their smiles, because I thought about them as I pulled things off shelves, smelled them, put them back, touched them, put them back, read things, smelled things, touched things, and when the feeling was right, I bought.  My sister, my nieces, my brothers, my neighbors too. . .

Even when the smelly guy was selling me a calendar and I knocked over the entire display, I was okay.  Even when the bag I carried broke and poured the contents of my purchases all over the mall floor (where two very polite people offered me better bags), I was okay.

Then I hear the New York, New York theme.  Then I hear a Springsteen song.  Then I feel a longing in my heart. Then I remember things. Then I shake my head to forget things.  Then I realize I am facing Christmas as a 3rd wheel, wherever I go.  I don't have the kids.  I don't have the comfort of being invited, I am the one who invites myself.  And then I think:

I'm okay.

Dear God, if I could have one wish. . .

Next year will be good.  I'll have the kids for Christmas.

But I'm okay.  I really am.  Just feeling it now, instead of on Christmas day when I should be celebrating the real gift I've been given.

Christmas.

Rejoice!

Containment

I've spent the last few weeks acclimating myself to a new job:  new company, new role, new responsibilities. The industry that I am in is very tight-knit.  I am introduced on a daily basis to someone that I worked with ten years ago on a different project.  It's one of the reasons I like the job and the industry, it's also another reason why burning bridges with people is utterly stupid.

Fortunately, I don't think I've burned any bridges, and more fortunately, I don't hold grudges.  Ever.  I figure people are changing on a daily basis - maybe they got smacked with an unexpected divorce, or death, or financial crisis, and so, they've evolved beyond pettiness, if they're lucky.

I like the job.  The pressure is high, but all in all, I look forward to going into work every day.  I spent the weekend working.  I had the kids here, we spent a lot of time together, but I also worked.  I don't know if they liked it, but I had things that needed to be done before today, and so they saw my work sprawled out on the kitchen table, heard me talking on the phone, and watched as I shot emails through the air.  They didn't complain, and I think it's because I didn't complain.

Which leads me to the title of this blog.  I've come to have a daily prayer (among many) that I throw up to the heavens throughout the day.  I simply say, "Containment".

I watched a dude give the finger to another dude on the highway. I prayed, "containment."  I don't know the circumstances surrounding the reason for the gesture, but I prayed that the receiver would just contain it - - not get mad and worry about it, take it home with him and even unknowingly, use it to spur something else with his wife, or neighbor.

I was also getting a hair cut the other day, and the woman before me told the girl cutting my hair that she was lousy at blow-drying and should take extra classes if she wanted to succeed.  When I got to the girl, she was upset and indignant about it.  After all, she was insulted.  I said, "Don't sweat it.  It's her problem, not yours.  I think you do a great job cutting and blow-drying.  Let it go."  She said, "Yeah, I know," but I could see that it was bothering her.  Contain it.  It's done. Over.  Somebody said or did something negative against you. . .  it's their problem, not yours.  Contain it.

I use the term because I constantly see in pictures.  I see the pebble going into the puddle, and the rings it produces.  Some pebbles, thrown in years ago, are still reaching and reaching.  Stop it on impact, if you have the ability, and it is contained.

No grudges.
No insecurities.
No despair.
No worries.

That's not to say that boulders haven't been thrown in, and sometimes all you can do is ride the waves that are produced.  But when you have it in your ability to stop one insult or insensitive comment from affecting how you treat others, then use that ability.

It has helped me with work.  As I said, everyone knows everyone.  I am in the midst of hiring a big team to run a huge project.  Every single time, throughout an interview, an opinion about someone else in the industry has come up.  I stop my interviewee (who doesn't even realize they've said something negative about another person, or are still reacting to what another has said about them), and I say, "Let it go now.  If you can't let it go, and if it is brought into this project, we're ruined.  I am asking you right now, can you work with this person on a daily basis?  If not, I don't want you on the team. If you say yes, and there is drama, then you won't be on the project very long." 

I see their faces change.  It takes a few seconds, but they get what I am saying.  Whether there was competition in a former life does not matter because it's a new life now, with high pressure, many deadlines and high expectations.

I am interviewing people that are incredibly talented and know their jobs, yet they get sucked in by the personality quirks of others, and the back-talking begins  - - the best case scenario is that they are miserable at their jobs; the worst case scenario is that we're all unemployed and unhappy.  Whether their skills are the best or not, if they can't contain their old issues, then the task is even more difficult. 
Contain it or let it go.

I saw a shooting star this morning at 5am as I started my day with a hot cup of coffee.  I smiled, said good morning to the world, and whispered, "I love you",  hoping that it reached every one I know.

Some things just shouldn't be contained.

We Share the Same Soul

Please play the following link while reading the post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRiI-cxDBPw

I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings

She wears a heart that can melt my own

She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing

She gives me presents
With her presence alone

                                                    She gives me everything I could wish for

She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She can make angels    

I've seen it with my own eyes

You gotta be careful when you've got good love

Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying

You're so busy changing the world

Just one smile can change all of mine

We share the same soul

Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh

Corinne,
I adore you. My sister, my best friend. You are the most amazing woman I know - successful at work, at marriage, at family, at life. You are not just a Queen. . . you are THE Queen; and I am so very honored to share my soul with you.

Happy Birthday, Sista!

Yikes!

I am real surprised today that it has been so long since I pulled up this blog site, and posted; or went to Facebook and spent more than 30 seconds on it in the past week.  It's been nearly impossible.

Having spent ten hours on the road on Sunday, driving back in the rain with the other billion travelers, I nearly embraced my kitchen island, I was so relieved to be home.  The kids, of course, were bouyant after having spent all those hours in the car, and they were also starving.  And we also raced each other for the bathroom because I refused to stop when it looked like I only had a couple hours of driving time. 

It was 9pm, on a Sunday, with school the next day.  I made them dinner while they took a bath, they scarfed it down, and we headed up to bed.  All of us restless, and wanting to relax and process the weekend.  It hasn't happened.

Monday, school and work.  Tuesday, the same.  Wednesday, the same plus Christmas decorating.  Yesterday. Today.  Ugh.  It has been a non-stop cycle of work, home, school, on-line shopping, cleaning the house, decorating the house, cuddling before bed, and then back at it.

Today, I am working from home - in my Pajamas, at my desk with music blaring and dogs barking and the opportunity to throw in a load of wash, and take a shower when I feel like it without the need to get dressed in anything other than sweats or go anywhere.  I have 50 leases that I've needed to review at work.  I have gotten through 3 of them in the past four days.  I go to work, and there are phone calls and meetings, and other priorities so I don't get the other work done.  Not today.  Today I will focus, and finish these leases.  Sweet freedom for the weekend.  I love my job though - and that, in itself, is sweet freedom.

I'm facing a weekend without the kids.  They're excited because they get to see their grandparents, so I'm happy for them.  And me?  No plans other than the annual book club Christmas party I am hosting on Sunday.  This merely means that I have to clean my house, finish decorating, put the decorations away, cook some meals, go grocery shopping and sleep.

Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.

That's what I am looking forward to the most.  And when I finish the last lease, it is what I shall do.   It's 7am now.  10 hours.  5 leases an hour.

What am I nuts? 

I'll sleep in January. . .