It's All Good

The thought of being without the kids for Christmas got to me today, and because of work and the dogs, I can't hop on a flight and spend the weekend with my Buffalo family. . .

The thoughts loop.  They loop around and around. . .

I'm okay.  I am.  I have emotional stability.  I now get along with my ex, the Christmas expectations for the kids are set, my family knows why I can't make it up there - - why I won't make it up there (sometimes being in MD is a great excuse to avoid the pain of what Christmas no longer is) and how not having a Christmas dinner planned with anyone is okay because I am okay with myself, and I could use the nap, and me and Gracie and Enzo could use the alone time, and I have places to go because I can invite myself over to my neighbors, or my best friend's or one of my MD relatives. 

I can spend the day with Bruce, with a good book, with Bruce, with all the Christmas presents I bought myself. . .

I'll be fine.

Loop.

I'm okay.  I am.  I have emotional stability. . .

I spent the day at the mall today.  After giving the thumbs up and a smile to the woman who pulled out of the Sears parking lot at the mall, I was all good.  I didn't have an agenda of gifts to buy, but I had a head full of people I wanted to buy for. . . my sister, my sister-in-laws, my nieces, my nephews, my mom . . . 

And I realized as I walked through the mall, that their gift to me was their smiles, because I thought about them as I pulled things off shelves, smelled them, put them back, touched them, put them back, read things, smelled things, touched things, and when the feeling was right, I bought.  My sister, my nieces, my brothers, my neighbors too. . .

Even when the smelly guy was selling me a calendar and I knocked over the entire display, I was okay.  Even when the bag I carried broke and poured the contents of my purchases all over the mall floor (where two very polite people offered me better bags), I was okay.

Then I hear the New York, New York theme.  Then I hear a Springsteen song.  Then I feel a longing in my heart. Then I remember things. Then I shake my head to forget things.  Then I realize I am facing Christmas as a 3rd wheel, wherever I go.  I don't have the kids.  I don't have the comfort of being invited, I am the one who invites myself.  And then I think:

I'm okay.

Dear God, if I could have one wish. . .

Next year will be good.  I'll have the kids for Christmas.

But I'm okay.  I really am.  Just feeling it now, instead of on Christmas day when I should be celebrating the real gift I've been given.

Christmas.

Rejoice!