My Best Friend Fergie?

My best friend Bruce hasn't spoken to me in awhile. I am not quite sure why that is. Is it because he hasn't quite gotten to the point where he can write a song about my shrinking bra size? Is it because he's never lost weight and known that a smaller butt means a bigger pair of jeans? Lately, the only song that has been going through my mind is the song "Fergalicious - I'm fergalicious, my body stay vicious, I be up in the gym just workin' on my fitness, he's my witness, I put the boys on rock, rock and they go runnin' down the block just to watch what I got." That has been the deep, meaningful mantra going through my head in the past couple days. Do you think I'm tired?

I am exhausted. Divorce is a full time job. Raising children is a full time job. My full time job is a full time job. It's amazing. All the little things, like my little boobs, like the little hairs growing above my lip, like the myriad of gray on the crown and within the part of my hair, and the smell of my skin after a night of nightmares... all these things are being noticed now. It's like walking down a long tunnel with nothing to see but darkness and then stepping into a room with mirrors and nothing to see but what I have physically become in the past few weeks. I looked into the mirror today and thought, "Oh my, that poor woman looks so worn down." And then I smiled because although I might be tired, I am still standing up straight, shoulders are back and I am looking into very strong eyes. My brown eyes reflect more than color in that mirror - there is depth there. I may look tired physically, but behind those eyes is a hive full of worker-bees... God, family, friends, and yes, perseverance standing up on tippy toes to allow for a glimpse of its forehead in the picture. And I realize that I am not alone. My gray hairs are gray, yes, but they can be shellacked and become shiny. My small frame is thin, yes, but that allows me to eat all the chocolate and double cheeseburgers I want for a while. And sad eyes, well, they never lie.

I'm happy, I'm doin' fine. Sad eyes never lie. Because sad eyes never lie... one day that something in the air that feels a little unkind, will someday slip my mind. And my gray hair, my shrinking chest and my exhausted eyes won't matter in the long run because essentially, I am Fergalicious.