I Changed My Mind

I have this terrible habit of changing my mind, not just about what I am going to wear for the day or make for dinner, but about big things - life dreams and such. It drove my father crazy, and when my husband asked him for my hand in marriage, he said, "Beware: she changes her mind every ten minutes." Perhaps, my problem isn't that severe, but I do change my mind. I tend to think it's because I think too much about things. There are some days when I wish I didn't consider every single factor of every single thing I am deciding. I think about my emotional situation, the financial situation, the time-constraints, the emotional status of the other players, what my horoscope said to do or not do (not really), and of course, I end up following my gut. But sometimes, my gut is slow in responding, so I have to change my mind, or having already given a reason, change it to suit what I really meant. I think this divorce has me in the midst of one of those ever-changing moments. Of course, there are thousands of factors to consider. Thousands! Yet, I find myself only considering four: myself, him, my daughter and my son. And you know, thinking about it this way makes it even more difficult! I am an emotional thinker, no doubt, and it seems that my intellectual thinking only comes after I've exhausted all the emotional thinking. I suppose I am in the midst of that right now.

I have tried to stand back and look at this divorce, and all the occurrences with an objective eye, but I find that it is impossible for me. Someone said to me, "Think about it as though Paige is in your situation. What would you advise her to do?" I'd say, "It is what it is, move on, let go, and you will find happiness elsewhere." It's easy! Ha, I found the answer. I am healed! Alleluia!

But of course, it doesn't work. It is impossible to think objectively. It's not because I am self-centered, but because the topic is so subjective. But maybe I'll just pretend I am my own divorce lawyer, therapist and priest. That way I'll come out on top. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll give myself the essential legal advice, the best psychiatric evaluation and find spiritual awakening. It's easy!

No, it's not. Maybe it's that easy. It probably is. No, it's not. But it might be. But no. Maybe. I'll have to think about it some more.