love, ahem, LOVE!

In light of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd do my post on Love...

A good friend of mine sent me the following:

The philosopher Bertrand Russell once said, "Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." It would be easy to assume that the love to which Russell was referring is limited to romantic love. But love can and (on a good day) does inform everything that we do.

When we are not "cautious" in giving ourselves to the task at hand, when our duties and responsibilities are grounded in love, then our work-whether it only lasts until the next spill by our child or is destroyed after only 20 years like the liturgical translations of Cyril and Methodius-is an endless source of true happiness. Today is a good day to ask, "Am I too cautious in love?"

I can't help but think that we all fail in this endeavor in some ways. Think about the marriage that ends after twenty years, or seven as is my case. It goes along with the post I did some time ago where I quoted my best friend Bruce, "You can't shut off the risk and the pain without losing the love that remains." If you're too cautious, you are busy worrying and that leaves no room for happiness. I spent many, many days of my marriage worrying... how many others are doing the same thing?

It ties into commitment as well. For those who are married, you committed yourselves through thick and thin. If you're not happy in your marriage, it has nothing, nothing to do with your spouse, unless of course, you're being beaten and abused, or your spouse is a louse. But, on average, a marriage has ups and downs - normal patterns of life - and it is my opinion (and take it with a HUGE grain of salt) that happiness comes from within and is reflected upon the marriage. Do the things that make you happy inside - don't lose who you are because that disallows you to love fully. Of course, I didn't learn this until after I separated. I believe it now. And that is one of the good lessons I've learned in the past six months.

It's too late for me throw caution to the wind for this marriage - to love as deeply and passionately as I had once envisioned, but maybe on the next go 'round, I'll be wiser. It's sad that pride and ego have such a huge part in ending the romantic loves of our lives. If only we had Confucious or Gandhi or God whispering loudly in our ears to hear over the pounding beat of our own self-protective ego.

Certainly, I am not cautious when it comes to loving my kids and my family - it goes back to that "unconditional" love factor. But why is it that I don't "judge" them, but I did "judge" him? There are many, many, many other issues at play with the demise of my marriage, but this is one I come back to and reflect upon every now and again.

This same friend suggested that confession might be a sound replacement for years of therapy. I don't know about that because I am quite aware of my neurosis from this divorce and I'm not sure if confession will heal everything, but freeing myself from the guilt and the blame is certainly bound to help. In so doing, I might be able to find that "true" romantic love. Until then, I am quite content laughing and sharing with my family and friends.