Pathos

I just posted on my Facebook that I'm sick, and it sucks.  Exhaustion bred the sniffles which bred sneezes and coughs, which bred a lack of sleep, and a worse cold.  I don't like being sick.  It makes me crabby and short with the kids, and I am offended by the fact that the kids got the flu shot, and I got the flu.

Equally disturbing is that I am set to begin a new job on Halloween, and this is my last "free" weekend before work becomes even more consuming than it has been.  Don't get me wrong, I've been working from home, but the hours are mine.  Having to go into an office every day, aggravates me, but it is necessary to be successful at what I do. 

In essence, I feel sorry for myself, which is typical whenever I get sick.

I've begun writing a new story - I'm not sure if it is going to be short story, or if it is the start of a novel.  In my research for one of the main characters, I came across a fascinating blog on Sociopathy.  The article itself isn't nearly as interesting as the comments that follow.  It is blowing me away to hear some of the stories of the victims who have lived and are living with sociopaths.  It is crazy to see the varying degrees of this "mental" illness.  But what fascinates me the most, is that one of the main commentators is a sociopath - has been diagnosed, and is responding to people's questions on the blog.

If you have any interest, check the comments to this blog out: http://sociopathcomments.blogspot.com/2008/11/comments-on-common-everyday-sociopaths.html?commentPage=1

I am currently on comments 200+, but there are over 2000 comments on this illness.  If I didn't have a sense of one of my characters in the story I am working on, I do now.

Talk about sickness.  I am coddling myself due to a cold, and I am using the down time, to read about a sickness that cannot be cured.  The sociopath has no sense of guilt, no sense of remorse, they lack the ability to empathize, and thrive on gaining control in relationships.  Some become serial killers, some end up drug abusers, some simply move from failed relationship to failed relationship without considering the devastation (in some cases) left behind.  Those that are part of a marital relationship, always leave their spouse with no control, with a sense of worthlessness, with a destroyed sense of self; and the spouses that get away from the sociopath spend years trying to understand that not everyone is that untrustworthy.  They lie, they cheat, they have no permanent friends (they generally lose them or cut them out of their life at some point - even those labeled "best" friends), and though some can love, say their own children, most of them end up destroying that relationship too.

It's a game, and it is so interesting to me, to know that I've met people like this - was employed by one who ended up in jail after the FBI investigated his dealings for years (in fact, I was witness against him in the case). Fascinating.

I believe there was a book called American Psycho (and a subsequent movie) about this sickness.  I have the book somewhere among the thousands of books on my shelf, and I remember reading the first couple chapters and putting it down because it was so very disturbing to me.  I've only never finished two books:  American Psycho and War and Peace (that book is massive).  Now I want to dig for it, and see if I can finish it because that kind of person actually exists.

Can you imagine not feeling love?  Can imagine that the only real emotion you feel is rage?  All the others are blanketed versions of what you observe in other people.  The victims are told to get as far away from this kind of person as possible.  Turn and don't look back because they can't be fixed.  Can you imagine if your child was a sociopath? (It's a genetic and physical disturbance to the frontal lobe of your brain, and can be seen in scans).  How could you turn and never look back?  It would be impossible for me. In fact, one of the commentators argued that God was the only answer in a highly intelligent post, and was subsequently "spanked" by the sociopath, who maintained his control by stating, effectually, that he wouldn't even consider this guy's argument.  That sociopath also said that he believes in God and also believes in Satan, but fears neither one of them.  Fascinating.

So, as I nurse this cold, I get chills from all my reading.

Being sick sucks, but it's better than being really sick.