Days Like This

It's a strange feeling inside Carrie these days.  That guy, the one I said wouldn't have a shot at a third first date?  Well, he got a third first day, and a few more after that, and damn if he doesn't have a place in my head - front of the line placement.  And it's funny because I went on that first date with absolutely no desire to go - I dreaded it, and I figured I'd have a beer, a little small talk and then go home to my book.  I had a beer and a full-on laugh and a full-on conversation and another beer and a fat ass burrito and another full-on laugh and another full-on conversation, and then I went home to my book.  I didn't read it very well though because I can honestly say that it was the first date I'd had in a very long time that I thoroughly enjoyed.  You know what I mean... there is always something about a first date that is uncomfortable, a bit off kilter, or even downright weird.  I think I was lacking in concentration skills for reading simply because my mind was searching for something to be off kilter. 

He didn't wear khakis and a button down shirt like all the other men I had been set up with.  (I suppose that was seen to be my "type" and was the reason all my friends sent me on blind dates with these men; flashing their cars and expensive clothes, talking about their careers as though that is their life; you know the drill).  In fact, he has earrings and a couple tattoos; he was unshaven on our first date, and pulled into the driveway in his Ford pick-up; he had cuts on his meaty hands from physical work.  I didn't much care whether he was as gorgeous as George Clooney or as ugly as a catfish because God knows, looks reveal nothing about anything.

And I recognize that dreading the date, not really wanting to be there, allowed me to be more relaxed and so probably helped things along.  The fact was revealed that he wasn't too keen on having the date either, which relaxed both of us because we really didn't care one way or another about it.   A garden salad, maybe a slice of bread, a few spoonfuls of soup - always a good first date dinner option, right?  I ate a burrito the size of my HEAD on my first date with this man, Do you think I was trying to make a first impression?

I'm not sure what has happened here, why I am meeting and interested in someone at this precise moment of my life; yet I am not surprised by it either.   We all know it's been a long time coming. And I suppose I am revealing quite a bit with this blog post just by mentioning where I am with this situation, yet it feels almost dishonest not to say something. 

I'll be reserved in describing the details though.  For example, I won't reveal how I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach when I'm around him; or how I fall into a fit of laughter when I think about some of our conversations.  I won't tell you how hearing the ringtone I set for him on my phone makes me stop whatever I am doing and pick up.  Yes, I'll be more reserved because I understand how much my readers care about me and how they want me to be cautious so that my heart doesn't get destroyed again.

I certainly don't want the ground meat feeling in my heart again either.  Yet, you know, my heart is kind of tired of being alone in all the sadness I've incurred over the past three years.  It needs a companion, and so, despite the walls I built from the debris of my marriage, I am climbing over them to get to somewhere else.  I suppose you could call it redemption or sanctification or whatever, but I think it's just strength, and the need to overcome and damn it, be happy.   We all know that tomorrow may never come and is almost certain to be the opposite of what we expect and so it seems to be a disservice not to enjoy what is in this very moment, especially if it's enjoyable.  In this very moment, my heart is not lonely, and I want to hold on to that for as long as I can.  Bruce knows what I'm talking about when he says:  You can't shut off the risk and the pain without losing the love that remains.  Of course there is a chance that I'll get hurt, crushed, but how does that happen unless I give in to all the good?

People told me there would be days like this - that the pain and heartbreak wouldn't be king shit in my life forever.  It seems to have stepped aside for now.  And that feels so, so good.