September 23

I cannot get through the day without wishing my best friend Bruce a happy birthday now, can I?  Happy Birthday Bruce, hope you raise a glass or two and celebrate you today.

Ten years ago, on this day, I was coiffed and beautiful, getting ready to meet my groom on the altar. Despite the mutilation of that marriage - the ripping, shredding, burning, searing, road-kill-on-the-side-of-the-road-after-having-been-run-over-by-Optimus-Prime decimation of that marriage - I have to admit that it was still one of the happiest days of my life.  I looked incredible, my groom looked incredible, my family was whole and intact, my lips wore Passionate Plum from Estee Lauder (I still have that lipstick) and I had the greatest faith in everything - in my love for my groom, in my life, in my future - and there was nothing that was going to go wrong in my life because along with that hope was the comfort of being naive and innocent and blessed by an incredible family.

When that innocence is shattered, it leaves an ache in the heart; it leaves a "holy shit, I never thought life could be this bad for me" mentality; it makes you stand back and scratch your head and ask:  What did I do to deserve this bop on the head - this Fred Flintstone pulsating point on the top of the head?

It's life.  Pure and simple, it is life.  You can't get to the higher ground without going through the low valleys - and if you are on the higher ground without having the aches and pains of the struggles to get there, then it's an illusion.

I look at my nephews and nieces and my own children who had to face, at such early ages, the death of their father or uncle, and the death of their grandfather, and even the loss of their uncle (my ex) through the divorce.  Life forced that upon them.  Yet they are so blessed because the blanket of innocence and happiness makes them more resilient than any adult who hasn't had to go through it.  And I have to hope that these losses made them stronger so that when they are adults and their hearts are ransacked by the ever-changing winds of life, they can fall back on the faith and hope and perseverance they've got stashed away.

Ten years ago.  Such big, big changes in my life.  Love, marriage, birth, birth, divorce, diseases, death, death.  And I reflect upon that day with regret because in my clarity, I see that it was a mistake.  And God knew that I had made a mistake and so He gave me, in His great mercy, He gave me Paige and Tony, and He gave me one of the greatest memories of my life:  when my brothers and my brother-in-law lifted me in that chair at the reception and sang Thunder Road to me... "so Carrie, climb in, it's a town for losers and you're pulling out of here to win..."

I feel it.  Life's Redemption.  I feel it, deep, deep in my soul, and I am on higher ground now.  Ten years, many of them crawling through the dark valleys, but I am on higher ground, and I'm still so very proud to know that I can still celebrate this day for my best friend Bruce.

I think I'll go put on some Passionate Plum and sing Thunder Road.