Big Bad Man

I was up, wide awake, at 3:30 this morning, having been forcefully jolted by a nightmare.   I don't recall much of it, just that there was a man shooting at me, chasing me with a knife, trying to run me down in a car and all I could do was run, run, run.  My heart was hammering in my chest, but I ran like an Olympian and I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why he wanted to kill me, why I was even being chased.

I woke up, let the dogs out, got back in bed and read for an hour before sleep overcame me again.

I think it might have affected my mood today because I'm annoyed and anticipatory of something bad.  Yet, I also realize that it's probably normal given my new outlook on life for the past month or so.  I'm waiting for the torrent of rain to fall around me, even though I'm well-equipped with my huge Yankees umbrella and waterproof shoes. 

The kids'll be back tomorrow; a couple days early.  I spoke with Paige yesterday and she was all laughter and fun, missing me, loving me but knowing that she'd see me soon enough.  I made her put Tony on the phone and I talked to him, hearing him grunt, asking a couple times if he was listening - "Yes!" But nothing else.  I told him that I missed him and loved him, but he didn't respond.  Next thing you know, I hear him say, "Bye" and the phone went dead.  Naturally, I called back.  My ex answered and we chatted for a few seconds and then I heard Tony crying... "I miss Mommy... I miss Mommy..."  Oh, it broke my heart - broke it right in half and I had to stop my own tears, my own mantra. "I miss Tony and Paige... I miss Tony and Paige..."  When I got him back on the phone, I asked him to stop crying, I told him that I had been chasing Enzo around the house with his Bumblebee Transformer that's says, "This little bug, sure packs a wallop!"  He laughed and I promised him that we would chase Enzo around some more, as soon as he got home - me, with Optimus Prime ("I am Optimus Prime," he says in a disturbingly sexy voice) and him, with Bumblebee.  And although we talked pleasantly, even excitedly, there was that tinge of sadness surrounding our conversation.

It's hard to let that go, sometimes.  It's hard to fight the anger and indignation that my kids are suffering because of a decision their parents made.  That's a tough, bitter pill to get down the gullet.  Yet, let it go, I did.  What is the point in wallowing in it?  None.  So I didn't.

I wonder if the bad man in my dream, chasing me down, shooting at me to fall down, was a remnant of my conversation with Tony and the heavy guilt I felt hearing him cry.  It probably was. 

It was just a dream.  Just a dream.  I will not fall to that again - never, not in a thousand years, not now, not ever, not even if it is Bumblebee himself packing the wallop.  No siree.

So tomorrow... we will chase Enzo tomorrow... and in so doing, we will chase that bad man away too.