Negativity about myself, about my capabilities, about my looks, about my truth.
Fuck that negativity.
It was an ironic truth that in order for me to get rid of the negativity, I had to get really negative -- raging mad at it, to the the point that I held my head up in defiance, clenched my fists at my sides, puffed my chest and even had shaking legs as I tightened my jaw and stared forward --- such determination, such anger!
Fuck that negativity. It doesn't serve me. It has never served me.
Imagine a girl, nineteen or twenty years old, clear skin, dark beautiful thick hair, curvy and smart. Imagine the dimples on her face, and an incredible smile that lit up the room when she lived in heart and not in her head. Imagine her getting ready to go to a party with her girlfriends --- Bon Jovi or the Scorpions blasting loudly as she and her college roommates fixed their hair and make-up for a night of laughing and dancing. Imagine that girl grabbing a pair of size 4 or 6 or 8 Levi's, putting them on, grabbing a sweater, flipping her hair and then looking into the mirror with a smile.
She sees her true self, and looks great.
Then her stupid mind decides to chime in --- you're fat, you're ugly, that zit hidden behind your ear is gross, your dimple sizes don't match, your eyes have bags, black circles, and you're stupid.
Fuck that negativity! It does not serve you!
She spends the next half hour crying, trying on different clothes, removing and reapplying her make-up, and more time. . . it passes.
She works at her outside. Her friends tell her she's gorgeous, "come on, let's go," but she doesn't believe it. She goes anyway and is so inside her head that she doesn't even know what's happening around her, doesn't remember to this day how that night was, just remembers how shitty she felt inside her tiny little mind.
Fuck negativity. It does not serve you.
What was the reality? She was beautiful! So very pretty. So very blessed. That smile? Magical.
When did it come out? It came out when she shut off her brain, had a 25 cent beer, relaxed, and ah. . . smile, more smiles, reciprocated smiles, dancing, laughter. Beauty reigned. She could have been wearing Halloween make-up with blacked out teeth and she was still gorgeous because she lived through her heart; she tapped into her soul in those moments and made herself and everything around her beautiful.
Fuck negativity. It does not serve you. It darkens everything, so fuck it.
Fast forward twenty plus years. Twenty years later and she plays the same record, feels the same way. So she silences it with a glass of wine, a movie, a shot, a nap, a game on her phone, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat --- likes, dislikes, likes. How come I don't get more likes? Oh God, why am I so fat, so old, so wrinkled? New negativity. Bad habits. Please silence the voice --- have a drink, write a post, pay money for more coins on your game, more drinks, more tweets, more likes and dislikes. . .
See the pattern?
Fuck that negativity. Fuck its power. Fuck it.
The woman now? Amazing. Free. Free. Free. Empty of the darkening thoughts but full. AMAZING.
So fuck those bad thoughts. They do not serve you. Beautiful you.
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