January Blues

 This time of year is always rough. The weather is still unpredictable - even more so this year; the layers of clothes go on and then come off, and then go back on again; the new television series haven't started up yet; the anticipation for the holidays is gone; and since 2009, there's a recycling of the bad memories from the day my brother went into the hospital (January 27th) to the day he died (March 4th).  Even fourteen years later, the body and mind remember.  

Then you add teenage drama (grades, back to college, dating), and it's wearisome. The fact that I haven't written since Sunday makes it even tougher.

Last year, I got one of those light therapy lamps for seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I woke cranky with a stiff neck (my pillow sucks) and even the double-dose of strong coffee didn't help my mood, so I thought, what have I got to lose?

I started it up this morning and it seemed to have worked for a short time. Rather than bitch about the work I had to get done, I did it without complaint. I spend much of my day deciphering laws (zoning, building, contracts) and creating documents that make sense of it all. Usually, I love it. Like, where some people roll their eyes and grunt about this kind of work, I geek out and get so excited. The kids have gotten used to it, and will stare at me as I go on and on about, say, a law in NYC that protects air rights.  They stare at me, not in fascination, but in wonder over whether I'll ever shut up. When I pause for a breath, they turn around and the elation deflates. 

Anyway, the lamp. It's very bright, blinding almost, and I keep it on my right side as I stare at the computer monitors and read. I don't know if it actually changes anything chemically in my brain,. I sometimes think it's just one of those mind-game kind of things. Use the lamp, see the light, feel better. 

Maybe it does work. Maybe it takes a couple months to really kick in. Maybe, on March 5th, I'll wake up and think, "Wow, that lamp is something else."

I spent eight hours in front of the computer today - the lamp stayed on for four of them - and once, again, I'm weary.  It's not the lamp's fault though. Sitting for eight hours and reading, thinking, deciphering - that's the issue.

Time for the elliptical. . .

Forty minutes later. . .

And yes, exercise has won again! 

January blues blown away by light and exercise. 

All is fine until tomorrow morning.