Hope. Hope in my heart, knotted struggles loosened, and a candle that burns beside my bed as I write. My sleeping dog curled up beside me, two kids dreaming in their beds and a blanket covering my legs and hips. Warmth. I am finally recognizing the pain of others, the suffering and struggles of those around me, and I am beckoning to them, "come to me, I am strong enough to help you." And this is true. The hardship I am facing is strengthening my compassion, it is moving me forward toward a deeper understanding of the people surrounding me. My life is tough right now. But that's only because it is mine. Others lives are not so tough for me. Yet that is how it is supposed to be so that I may reveal myself to them, so that I may allow myself to be, for them. I am strong enough to use my knowledge, to use my pain, to use my experiences so that others may benefit. I would like to be a warm ray of sunshine coming through a break in the curtains during this cold season.
I wasn't here yesterday or for the past several weeks. I wasn't here, in the present, in the community of shared experiences. I was stuck inside my own head, listening to my heart rate fluctuate, listening to my hatred as it shattered inside my head and caused frequent moments of self-pity. But now, I am calm. I am standing outside the curtained window and peeking inside at all those people who are struggling in this life like me. And I am trying to smile, and guide them outside with me so that I may take their hand and walk with them. Hope crept quietly back into my heart as I moved throughout my day. Hope crept quietly into my heart and swept the mundane, the unnecessary and the toxicity from the crevices of my heart and mind, clearing it for its purpose. Compassion. I am still angry and that is fine. But the need for vengeance, the need to degrade, the need to shield my pride is gone. The anger is with the sinner and the sins, but it is not going to beat the person I am out of me. Perseverance. Perseverance is the word of the year, and it is the mantra of my four and a half year old, and it is the reflection she needs to see from me.
Hope. Warmth. Compassion. Perseverance.
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1 comment:
You go girl! I'm glad you've found your hope again. As I read some of your recent posts, I thought,Carrie's not going to be idealistic? What?
You're like me, your optimism gets you through. Though it sometimes gets in the way of more practical things. The analogy I've used for years is that I'm in a nasty smelly dump but I'm too busy noticing how beautiful the flowers grow here to get out of the dump.
I'm glad you're angry. That's part of this. He deserves your anger. What you're going through is one of the most terible things any of us could possibly go through. It really sucks.
I'm so glad you're finding places of peace within that pain. That is YOU. The things that happen are just things that happen and you have to deal with them, but that peace, that optimism, That's who you are.
Thank you for keeping this blog.
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