The thought scheme-theme for the day has been focused on people. Friends. Potential Friends. Family. Lovers. Potential lovers. Strangers.
How well do we know any of them? Really. How well?
I am 38 years old, fairly sociable, pretty honest, a little fragile, can tell a good joke if I have the right setting, intelligent but not necessarily filled with common sense, picky, wishy-washy and if you catch me on a bad day, can be very inflexible and some might even say: witchy.
In a nutshell, average.
I've met a lot of people - from all walks of life. I can laugh with the toothless truck driver and drink martinis with the powerhouse politicians. I've met and come to know hundreds, even thousands, of people throughout my lifetime. Of all those people, there is only one person - ONE - who utterly despises me and sees me as someone entirely different from who I really am.
That would be my ex-spouse. The ironic thing is that I don't despise him - I despise some of his actions, some of his moodswings (now and then) and some of the places his moral compass points, but not him.
How does one go from loving a person so much that they'd walk down the aisle in front of family and friends and have children with that person to despising that same person? How does that happen? Was it some cosmic working by Satan that put us together?
I only explore this question because I know that many of my readers have gone through the whole divorce thing and hopefully, are struggling with this question.
Is it really because people change? (Because I truly believe that fundamentally, people do not change. You lend a girl your pencil in middle school without expecting it back, you'll lend money to a friend without anticipating payment; You break your back in physical labor for work, you'll break your back in physical labor for a friend; You give a gift but don't expect one back; You love without question and so you always love without question).
So how did I become someone's nemesis?
How does anyone become a nemesis?
More importantly, how does the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with become your nemesis?
Seriously.
You have those intimate conversations. You bear your soul when you're in love. You give your insecurities without worries that they'll ever be used against you. You swallow those doubts down, deep down, because you figure that he/she must feel the same way that you feel.
And what happens?
Those very same insecurities are used against you in the divorce. And you become the enemy. The nemesis.
I once heard that the one who knows you the most, loves you the deepest and is the one who hurts you the most is the one that is hurt the most by you. It's a paraphrase of something, but really... you want someone to reveal themselves to you and they do and you love them for it... and then... and then...
What?
You celebrate your 10th anniversary.
You celebrate your 15th anniversary.
You celebrate your 25th anniversary.
You celebrate your 50th anniversary.
And you're miserably unhappy?
Regardless of how the marriage goes, you're still left in pieces.
Memories.
Prayers to God.
Pleas to God.
Pieces.
Someday.
One day.
Someday.
One day.
They're all strangers... after all?
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2 comments:
So similar to my daughter, Tracey. She wonders how she could have lived with her ex so long & not known who he really was. I told her it was because she believe in marriage, not divorce and worked hard to make it work. Unfortunately the ex wanted a playmate, not a wife & mother and he wants to be eternally 18. Free from responsibility.
Maybe he despises what he is and you make him take a look at himself and instead on focusing on self improvement he hates you and focuses on that because he is unable to truly look at the type of person he is. He is not important, why he hates you, or himself is not important. You can not change his inner ugliness or adjust that off track moral compass. He doesn't seem worth the worry or thought. Being divorced is hard, no doubt, but it is also a time when the other person and the reasons why should are no longer so important. Focusing on you and your kids & making sure you are on the right track and making sure you live your life to the fullest and in the healthiest way possible is what matters. It is best for you and the kids. His issues are his issues and although you feel the backlash of them at times, they are his issues and he isn't the focus. Also don't let him have enough control of you by letting his dysfunction rent space in your head causing you to wonder. He is messed up and it's his issue, not yours. His so called despising you in all honesty is most likely a form of self loathing because you know what he truly is and now and then he sees it too because of you and hates you because he can't handle it.
Signed- Ah Ha
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