June 22nd

On Jeff's 21st birthday, I sent him a check for $21, told him to get a few beers on me and have a great 21st.  At the time, I was a sophomore in college and $21 was like $500 to me.  But I wanted him to enjoy his day.  I suppose I wanted to be the one who bought him his first legal alcoholic beverage.

When I turned 21, some 18 months later, I received a very inappropriate card from Jeff and the exact same check I had given him.  (I still have it).

Who would have thought that 19 years later, I would be missing him so badly?  Who would have thought that on his 40th, me and the kids would be singing to heaven, rather than over the phone or in person? 

As I've done for the past four years, I am making him a cake.  The first two years, I would call him, tell him I lit the candles, we would sing and then the kids would blow out the candles for him.  Last year, we brought the cake over to a friends' house and celebrated with a half dozen other 4-5 year olds, singing loudly to the brother that I so deeply miss.  Tonight we will sing just as loudly, and the kids will have chocolate all over their fingers and mouths.  And we will celebrate his 40th without him.

Whoever said that the pain of his death would fade with time must not have known the kind of guy that he was.  It will be as sharp and poignant on certain days of the year (like today) as it ever was.  The key to get through it, I think, is to feel the warmth of his love shining down upon us. 

Happy Birthday Jeff.