Take Her to the Floor, Waiting for a Moment When the World Feels Right

It wasn't my soul I was searching today. After all this time, after all these trials, I am pretty sure what is in my soul. I know what needs to be done, how it needs to be done and pretty much what to expect out of this life. There was no searching involved in any manner. Yet, I sat on the beach today and watched Paige and Tony play. I laughed when they got splattered into the wet sand by a big wave, I gave them the thumbs up in response to their searching eyes. I listened to my i-pod, closed my eyes once in a while to really feel the sun on my face, and without thinking, I felt the fleeting moment when all the world feels right. It passed by in a second, but I felt it.

I cried today too. I cried as I watched my children enjoy their time at the beach - a joyful cry and a sorrowful cry. My, oh my, to think that my mother used to watch me and Jeff play like that! My, oh my, to know that John, Farrah and Rocco play like that. I laughed too when I saw Paige dancing the Jig (I taught her in a moment of sheer lack of inhibitions) and Tony stomping up the sand and dancing like the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk.

As I said, there were moments when the world felt right. We got to the beach at around 10:30 am. It was partly cloudly. At around noon, the sky was filled with dark clouds, there was no blue in sight. The kids grew cold. They plopped themselves down on the beach chairs and wrapped themselves in beach towels because the wind and the air was chilly with the sun hiding behind the clouds. They began complaining about the cold, wanting to go back to the hotel and in the indoor swimming pool. I couldn't have that. So, to distract them, I jumped up from the chair and ran to the ocean. They followed, laughing. It was rather chilly! We perservered, and I said, "Come on, let's do the sunshine dance!" We raised our arms in the air, fanned out our hands and said, "Bring on the sun!" We played and became distracted, splashing each other, falling with the huge waves. Ten minutes later, the clouds were gone, and the sky was bright blue.

The clouds, gray and full that had spanned the entire sky, were gone.

We played more and giggled and kissed and hugged and Tony said, "Thank you God!" with a huge smile on his face.

Thank you God is right. A moment when the world felt perfect.

And that is why I know that Jeff died too young. I can't understand predestination, everything happening for a reason, or outside evil forces... I don't know the whole cosmic intricacies of all of it, but what I do know is that Jeff died too young. And there is no consolation that comes with that fact. None.

But the power of my power will keep giving me those perfect moments, I know this. I know this. Because life isn't perfect, it is not meant to be perfect on this earth, but the glimpses of it... perfect.

Consolation?

Nah... still does nothing.