A Disappearing Hairline

I had the good fortune of looking through a few months worth of pictures tonight. They were all “after” pictures (after Jeff died), but all in all, they were pretty good ones. I’ve learned that I am starting to look like Jeff a lot. He was a brilliantly funny brother, but as a woman, not so attractive…

And I have a couple of pictures on my camera where I am like, “Oh God, I look like Jeff!” I was wearing my hair back in a ponytail, the lighting was right, my facial expression was on and whammo – I look like Jeff! Ugh. I am 37 and I look like an aging, 38 year old man!

What I also noticed as I went through the pictures, were the changes in the faces of my family members. I have a few pictures of Cliff, Jim, Chuck, Corinne, Dana and myself. There is a spark missing from all of us. There is grief, spelled out on our faces – no doubt about it. We are grieving.

Of course, the span of pictures cover the last six months. If it’s not grief on our faces, it is worry over Jeff. It is hard to believe that January was the month of his stroke. And man, the cd “Working on a Dream” kills me! Every single time I hear a song from it, my heart plummets. But maybe that is the way it is supposed to be.

Who am I kidding? Every time I hear any song from any Springsteen album, my heart plummets! Springsteen’s voice, as familiar as it is, sends a dagger to my heart. Damn Bruce!

I know my blog is missing a lot of creativity these days. I just can’t. I can’t get it to where it is supposed to be. There is too much tenderness, too many cliffs that I am on the edge of, too many abysses I could sink into if I let go too much. I am afraid to let go. I am afraid that if I do, I shall never find my way to the surface again.

I want to. I need to. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah….

See what I mean?