Obsession

A couple months ago, I read the book titled Bruce (aka my best friend, Bruce Springsteen).  It’s kind of weird to read a book about your best friend, and not know the full story of his growth and success.  Like anyone else, his eccentricities affected those that were closest to him.  Some people were offended by him, while others became the offspring of his success.  In the end, though Bruce could be a jerk, judged against the standards I’ve encountered as a “nice girl”, it was his obsession to perfect his talent that made him a success.  This is my humble opinion, and Bruce might disagree.  He might say that he wasn’t trying to perfect his talent as much as he was trying to live with his eccentricities in a world that wasn’t quite fair.

If I were to read the headlines or listen to the news that permeates our U.S. as “top stories”, I’d hear about husbands killing their pregnant wives, mothers smothering their children, or millionaire athletes - - - supposed heroes - - - attempting to get away with murder.

As a woman who has her own quirkiness to contain, and who knows people who harbor a condition that many might diagnose as obsessive-compulsive disorder, and who has had Bruce as her best friend since she was around 8 years old, might know that these headlines hurt at the core sometimes.

Don’t we all think that our standards and norms are the right ones?  I know a few people who can lie without remorse, cheat with justification and simply mold what I might define as “wrong” into something they justify as “right”.  Who hasn’t been a victim of that? And who hasn’t judged the actions of that kind of person?

Sometimes I think that I might be the one that is clearly effed up.  I mean, why does it hurt so much sometimes when I come across people who vehemently disagree that there is a higher power at play somewhere?  Why does it hurt so much to know that men and women around the world choose to walk away from their spouses and their children, and never look back?

I guess it goes back to that “justification” argument.  I can freely acknowledge that when I am unable to see beyond myself, I insist that my moral compass points to the right way all the time.  Yet, when I acknowledge the actions of people around the world - - good and evil, alike - - I sometimes feel like I am off-kilter.

I have been told by my friends, family and bosses at work that I am “too” nice.  My therapist, shortly after the split-up of my marriage, labeled me the same way.  Too nice.

BECAUSE NICE MATTERS

That’s my obsession.  Because quite honestly, when I lose my cool (mostly at work and when dealing with tired children), I often go on a diatribe of why I’m right and they’re wrong, and it makes me feel lousy about myself.  I finish the diatribe and I am instantaneously filled with remorse.

I don’t like that feeling at all, at all, at all.

So I obsess about being nice, and by doing so, I end up aggravating the people who think I should have a stronger back-bone, and that I should at least stay angry for more than ten minutes.

And you know what else I do?  I get aggravated by people who aren’t like me.  I get annoyed at people who offer love in different ways - - who, instead of being obsessed about being nice, are obsessed with being honest, or hard-workers, or gift-givers.

I think I need a different obsession, honestly.

How about I become obsessed with exercise?  Or writing? Or keeping in touch with my friends and siblings? Or cleaning my house? Or spending every extra moment with my babies? Or focus solely on my needs and wants, without regard for anyone else? Or, like Bruce, seek perfection to the point of scrapping hours of work?

I don’t know what is right and what is effed up anymore.

Maybe my obsession should be trying to figure that out.  Or maybe I should just turn off the headlines, ignore the idiots and put on my headphones, search for the product of Bruce’s obsession for perfection on my iPod and listen to the live version of Racing in the Street for the thousandth time, and not worry about it anymore.

Yes, that would be nice.  So I shall do just that.