Butt Jokes

I’m existing on a little over three hours of sleep today. Was wide awake at 4am, chugging MiraLax polluted by Gatorade as the final act of a colonoscopy prep this morning. 

As I quipped yesterday, it was a pretty shitty way to start the new year. 

But it wasn’t only the physical discomfort that had me awake so early. I was panic-stricken and in the throes of an anxiety episode.

I spent a little over a year worrying and anxious over a pain in my left abdomen. It was scary enough that I lost quite a few pounds (turning fifty sucks (I never appreciated the body I used to have until it was gone)). 

I scheduled doctor's appointments - got some blood tests, a CAT scan on my organs, and nothing. Phew. But why the pain?

Was it scar tissue from my partial hysterectomy? Maybe.  Not likely. Was it related to the swollen lymph nodes in my armpit? Maybe. Not likely.  But what about my shoulder pain? But what about my runny nose? 

BUT WHAT IF IT’S MENOPAUSE?

The pain didn’t go away. 

But, but, butt. 

So an endoscopy and a colonoscopy was scheduled in September. Then they canceled due to a hospital emergency.  The next appointment I could get was January 2, 2025.

I honestly worried - due to a sometimes inconsolable anxiety - that I wouldn’t make it to 2024.

Anxiety sucks too. 

I went through with the colonoscopy this morning and when I woke, I was relieved. I lived through it. 

In a fog, I asked how it went. 

“Oh, it was fine. We’re testing a couple polyps and you may have diverticulitis but nothing out of the ordinary.”

“So, clean as a whistle?”

No reaction other than, “Now let me get the needle and IV out.”

“Okay. Hopefully, they’ll be easier to remove than they were to put in.”

“Yeah, it’s tough to get pricked so many times.”

“That’s what she said.”

The nurse didn’t laugh.  Didn’t even crack a smile. 

I did. Though I might’ve still been under the influence of the sleepy cocktail, I do like a good “that’s what she said” joke. 

Now, I’m sitting here:


Grateful.

Less too worry about. I may sleep easier without the anxiety. The pain is still there but it’s way better to isolate that pain from the worry. 

I only write this today because I know I’m not the only one who worries like I do. 
It will be okay. Even if it’s not, it will be. 

I learned that today. I also learned that I never did like Gatorade.