I’m tired these days. I procured a case of Covid and spent a few days down and out – still working, but tired, tired with a fried brain by the end of the workday. But even without Covid, that seems to happen. Work is fun, work is busy, and it keeps me interested and entertained because I learn something new every day and that’s good for the soul.
We’re in the dark months now – where the end of January and
through February make it tough to stay engaged; and how shall I say it? Light.
It happens every year since I can remember – the days are
cold, we’re cooped up in the house, the light casts shadows on the walls, the
plants start to die and wilt, and my mood slowly slides down.
I purchased light bulbs that are supposed to help with the loss of daylight and I have them on bright when I sit down for work in the morning. The problem is, I sit down for work and unless my watch tells me to get up and walk an additional 500 steps for the hour, I’m sedentary for most of the nine or so hours, despite my daily walk with Dovi – the joy of this household.
He comes to me with his big brown eyes, slaps me on the knee with his too-long paw nails, and whines until I say “walk”. Then his head tilts
and his ears perk and if I stand up after saying it: game over. He follows me
to the bathroom, and to the bedroom where I change out of my pajama pants and into
yoga pants, drop my slippers for sneakers, and grab my headphones. Once I get
those headphones on, he’s at the door waiting.
We walk every day for about an hour, and while I like it, it’s not the same as when I used to take my solitary walks, where I could connect with myself on a deeper level and engage my soul. With Dovi, I’m more interested in keeping engaged and energetic, which, I suppose, is fine.
But I do write less without those solitary walks. I suppose that’s okay too. Right now, work is
my priority – it has to be – the kids get more expensive after eighteen. I
thought I’d get a break but nope… car accidents, broken phones, insurance, food
– lots and lots of food – all of it adds up.
But I’m not complaining. I can’t imagine them trying to live
on their own. I doubt they’ll ever be able to afford a house without some help
unless things change… will they change now that we have a new administration at
the federal level? Maybe, but I have my doubts. Of course, things will change –
for better or for worse, just not how I wish they’d change. Maybe. What do I
know? I’m tired.
The writing here is perfunctory. I feel it in my fingertips. I’m trying to find things of interest to write about and only words come out because I’m just not that into anything these days except for work. Oh, and the Stephen King book – The Institute – that I finished this morning.
The story was
familiar but that’s okay because his writing is incredible – the way he weaves
relationships between characters with history and modern times all while making
it interesting and unique. I’m a fan though I did boycott him a decade ago to
once a year because some of his stuff was so freaking scary that I couldn’t
take it. Now though? I think I could use a dose of different and scary, if that
makes sense.
Perfunctory. Covid. Work. Dovi. Writing. Walking.
Boring.
I suppose I need more of a social life – laughing with
friends and sharing stories. That will come again soon – once I’m over the tired.
Do I think ghosts exist?
Do I think people can be psychic? Telepathic? Telekinetic?
I think I do. I think there has to be something to it because
why would they exist as concepts if they didn’t arise somehow?
Do I think my cat Goose is an asshole? He most certainly is… having a grand old time peeing on things in the house… running away from us when he does. I’ve gotten over getting mad when I see him do it. I simply pick him up and put him in the kitty litter box. When he gets out without having done his business, I throw him outside and make him stay out there. What else can I do? He’s on urinary tract medicine, I’ve changed his litter to the brand we used when he was a kitten and I’ve yelled at him. He’s an asshole in the morning and an asshole at night and I know why I was never a cat person. But what can I do? Give him up after having him for the past seven years? I think not, especially when he cuddles with me, purrs, and touches my face softly with his paw.
These are the things of interest in my life these days.
Is there more? Can’t there be more?
I feel the darkness seeping in… I might actually be able to
see the black of it invading the spaces between interest and joy, feeling
and beauty. It sometimes grows like a mold and covers things, pulls me down if
I let it.
I won’t let it happen this year.
I said that last year too.
It did.
But it’s okay because it always ends by my birthday in March.
Boring. I’m tired and bored.
Here comes Dovi wearing his Bills collar and wanting me,
always up for joy and howling and those ears of his!
I won’t let it happen this year.
