Dummy

It’s been a while since I last wrote.  It wasn’t because I didn’t have anything to write about, it was because I had swarms of things to write about and I couldn’t choose a topic.

I spent five days in my hometown, visiting the family and some friends from high school.  It is always nice when I can show off my children to the family --- let them see how much they have grown and grown up.  The kids now have unique personalities, with unique and surprising senses of humor.  I saw the look of shock a few times on my brothers’ faces as Paige or Tony threw out a one-liner.  It was great to share them with the family because they’re great kids, and real comfortable with my mom and my siblings.

Spending time with my girlfriends from high school was also a good time.   There were many years where I hid from interacting with them when I visited home.  I was embarrassed and ashamed, and completely insecure because of the divorce. I felt like a burden if I complained, and I felt like I failed in their eyes because I couldn’t keep the façade of perfection going.   Not that I was ever perfect, but I was good at acting like things were perfect.  All in all, it was a great experience because my awesomely beautiful friend said, “Finally!  Carrie is BACK!”  It made me feel great, and I hope they know how much I love them.

During this stay, I of course, visited memories and previous haunts.  It’s hard growing up.  Even at 46 years old, I sometimes feel like the insecure teenage girl, or the insecure college student, or the insecure law school grad, or the insecure wife or the insecure parent. . .  Do you see the theme?  It was during this visit that I finally ripped that band-aid off and dug deep to see why I was still insecure about everything. 

I never figured out the root of it.  What I did figure out is that the root of it doesn’t really matter.  The insecurity comes from whatever stories I’ve been subconsciously telling myself over the years.  The setting and the characters change in these stories, but the theme seems to be the same.  In my eyes, I’m never good enough for any of the people I love.  

I shouldn’t say never.  

There are times when I feel like a rock star, unstoppable and full of love --- which I often chime, “conquers all.”  Yet, for some reason, when I sit in my old bedroom, I am visited by the old ghosts that I’ve allowed to disrupt my “Carrie-ness.” 

I doubt I can change any of it overnight, but recognizing it seems to be a move in the right direction.

I write about this because I have friends and family members who feel the exact same way!  I read about it in the self-help books, and I hear about it when I listen to motivational speakers on a podcast.  The old “haunts” of the younger days.  Maybe not insecurity, but some form of fear haunts all of us --- fear of failure, fear of success, fear of imperfection, fear of past mistakes. . . on an on they go.

And it’s stupid.  You’re stupid for letting fear take over.  I’m stupid for letting fear take over.  We’re all stupid.

So, on this trip, despite the beauty I saw, I also saw the ugliness that clings to me sometimes; and upon seeing it, I kept telling myself to stop being stupid.

It didn’t work, and the stupidity clung to me until today --- nearly four days since my return to my normal life.  So, that’s why I didn’t write.  Couldn’t get over my own stupidity but knew that taking it into the weekend was a mistake too. 

So good-bye stupid girl, welcome back mildly insecure woman.