We All Need the Darkness

Had a couple days where I lost how far I've gone, how far I've gone, how high I've climbed. . .

When there is love involved with any situation, there is bound to be trouble.  And love exists in my life - - - family, friends, humanity and that great emotion of compassion (that, to me, is separate from the tangible (did I say tangible?) loves that are always present - - - family, friends. 

But what I'm talking about is love.  Love.

This ain't no Tom Cruise, leaping on Oprah's couch kinda love that I'm talking about.  It's the kind that raises the ghosts of the past and moves the mountains of the future.

And yes, I am feeling it.

Intelligently.  I suppose.

I haven't shared because sharing might ruin it, but if there is one thing I have been since starting this blog nearly five years ago, is honest.  And I've gone past the "in love" stage, I think, where every moment, every thought is filled with thoughts of him.  (I have to be honest though, that's a great, great feeling).

No, I've gotten past that by now.  The fear part?  That's the part of the movie that is stuck.  The CD is skipping.  The record is repeating.  The heinous crime of loving is getting its punishment.

Not his fault.  He hasn't changed a bit since we started.  If anything, he's made me spit liquids from my nose on numerous occasions (laughing, laughing, always laughing), and made himself available to the world as I see it.

No, the ghosts are ghosts from the past love life I once had - - - that illusive, illusionary one that I've been apart from for nearly five years now.

(For some reason, it is difficult for me to write about this, and I should be beyond sharing my raw emotions by now, eh?)

I've been watching a friend fall in love.  I've been watching her fight her own demons, fight his demons, fight their demons.  Dare I say she is insane?

I remember those days. . .

And I keep thinking, over and over, I think she's crazy for falling in love with this guy. Over and over, I see the doom of the doomsday. . .

Over and over, and so what do I do?

I wonder if the sunrise that blesses me in the morning is an illusion due to the deep yearnings of my heart.  And I wonder if people looking at me think I'm as crazy as I think my friend is.  And I put forth all the darkness and volley it at him and wait for the insults, the arguments. . .

Still waiting.

This one is different.

Tom Cruise thought the same of Katie. 

Okay, you have me there.

So, the darkness arose because I took the time from my busy schedule to stop loving.  To stop, put a halt to it all, to read into correspondence from the one I used to love so many (5) years ago - - - and I projected.  I projected the shittiness of that era, and I kneaded it into the sure-disaster of my friend's relationship, and then looked at my relationship.

The rose colored glasses were poisoned with specks of shittiness. . .

It was dark.  I was dark.  I lost track of how far I've gone, how far I've gone, how high I've climbed.

And you know what he said?

"You're aggravating."

You're aggravating.  And I took it inside and thought, and thought, and thought.

I was aggravated with my own self.

That darkness made me think that I was not worthy of having it all.  That darkness brought me into a moment where I kept thinking about how far I've gone, how far I've gone, how high I've climbed. . .

I almost gave up.  I almost gave up on myself.   Then I realized I'm worth it.

I'm tough.

I'm good.

I'm worth it.

He's worth it.

It is worth it.

And I am not the girl I was five years ago when I was coming out of a room where I had stripped the Carrieness to please the needs of someone else.

And the darkness was from a moment of never, ever wanting to lose myself again, because, if you need a reminder,  there was a day when I realized how far I've gone, how far I've gone, how high I've climbed...

If he's Tom Cruise, or I'm Liz Taylor, it's no matter.  I am out of the darkness.

I needed the darkness though.

We all need the darkness to see the light.