It's Raining in Baltimore

The circus is falling, down on its knees.  The bigtop is crumbling down. It's raining in Baltimore, and 50 miles east, where you should be, but no one's around.

It's been raining a lot in Baltimore lately -- just buckets of rain for the past 6 weeks, and every time I am alone (away from the kids for the weekend) when it is raining, I hear the entire Counting Crows song in my head. 

I need a phone call.  I need a raincoat.  I need a big loan.  I need a phone call.

I was looking forward to the weekend only because I knew that I would see the kids at soccer on Saturday, and then again when I picked them up for Sunday school on, er, Sunday.  But, damn, again, the rain in Baltimore is ruining the soccer reunion.

Strained conversations, passing me by; and I don't have nothin' to say. You get what you paid for, but I just had no intention of living this way.

When I put the kids on the bus this morning, it wasn't raining.  We were in good cheer.  They had gone to bed without a hitch and slept a solid 10 hours, and they were happy and joyful, chomping on Apple Jacks and talking about the soccer practice they had gone to last night. 

I need a phone call. I need a plane ride. I need a sunburn. I need a raincoat.

When the bus pulled up this morning, I kissed them both and said, "I love you.  Tony, stay on green today!"  Tony said "Okay," and Paige ran toward the bus, then turned around and said, "I really love you, Mommy" and I just smiled.  When they got on the bus, Paige looked through the window and gave me a look of longing like she thought it was the last time she would see me.  It drove me crazy all day, and I kept sending up prayers to God, the Saints and all the guardian angels to keep me and them safe!

And I get no answers. I don't get no change. It's raining in Baltimore, baby. But everything else is the same.


I spent most of the day wondering if what I had just written smelled like crap because it certainly felt like I had written crap.  And I kept asking my higher power if I was on the right track with regard to my life's aspirations.  And I kept thinking about a man that I dated for a short time, shortly after Jeff passed away.  And I kept wondering how thinking about him was related to what I was feeling inside about my path in life, and if that was related to the crap that I had just written.  And I kept seeing Paige's beautiful face in the bus window, waving good-bye for the day.

There's things I remember. And things I forget.  I miss you.  I guess that I should.

I saw their faces in my mind, all day.  Paige, Tony and if I'm honest, Jesus.  I kept thinking about William Shattner's roast to Charlie Sheen when he said, "You're okay, Charlie.  There was another guy that was kind to whores and was persecuted by the Jews -- and people worship him!"  Now, that's funny stuff. And of course, I thought about my dad and Jeff -- it's just a typical day, after all.

3,500 miles away. What would you change if you could?

When I met the kids at the bus stop, Paige had earned enough "good kid" tickets to buy something at the school shop, and what she bought was this plastic thingy that looked like a stop light -- green, yellow, red-- and she said that it meant, yes, maybe and no.  And she decided to ask it a question:  "Would we have fun with Daddy this weekend?"  and when the lights stopped flashing, it was on yellow-maybe.  The next question she asked was, "Will Mommy miss us?"  As soon as she asked the question, I smiled and said, "Heck no" as she was saying, "I know it's going to be yes."  It was red-no.  That thing's a piece of no-good crap!

I need a phone call.  Maybe I should buy a new car.  I can always hear a freight train, baby, if I listen real hard.

I thought about how my life has changed.  I thought about my brother Cliff a lot too, for some reason.  Maybe because I had just read his blog and found it to be brilliant, as always.  I thought about my sister sending me a text yesterday that simply read:  "Tomorrow is another day.  I love you," and how we corresponded, in tears, about missing our dad.

I wish, I wish it was a small world.  Cause I'm lonely for the big towns.  I'd like to hear a little guitar. I guess it's time to put the top down.

It's still raining.  The dogs are crossing their legs and holding their private parts, and doing a little dance, but won't go outside to relieve themselves.  Stupid bastard.  And Gracie.

I need a phone call.  I need a raincoat.  I really need a raincoat.  I really, really need a raincoat.  I really, really, really need a raincoat.  I really need a raincoat.

I just got a phone call 3 seconds ago (the first of many over the weekend).  From Paige. 

Now all I need is a raincoat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEnCxGh8kBg